


Child's Play

by khattikeri



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Age Regression/De-Aging, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Unconsenting Babysitter Saihara Shuichi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-10-25 07:18:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17720627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khattikeri/pseuds/khattikeri
Summary: Saihara deeply wished Maki actuallywasan Ultimate Child Caregiver, because he sure needed the advice right now.(Or: in which Saihara has to deal with his friends being turned into fifteen ultimate babies by Monokuma, and his own withering patience.)





	Child's Play

**Author's Note:**

  * For [landofplagueandlullabies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/landofplagueandlullabies/gifts).



> an impromptu gift written in like. an hour because I have zero control. Thanks for drawing me art and validating my ideas, Kate!

Saihara didn’t even remember how he got stuck doing this, or how it all happened. All he knew was that he'd been woken up in the middle of the night and that everyone had turned into a baby all of a sudden, and Monokuma was acting like, to use Iruma’s words, _a fucking asshole dipshit motherfuckwad piece of fuck._

"Is this a sleep deprivation motive or something?" Saihara demanded. "What are you planning?"

“All you have to do is take care of them for several hours, Saihara!” Monokuma snickered. “I’ll turn them back when I get bored.”

“You-- ” Saihara sighed. He really didn’t have a choice, did he?

Saihara deeply wished Maki actually _was_ an Ultimate Child Caregiver, because he sure needed the advice right now. But even she was a baby, so it wasn't like he would’ve gotten her help anyway.

It'd been hours. The initial euphoria and novelty of being able to take photographs of his friends as small children had worn off by now. (The photos were safely kept in his room, along with the disposable camera.) He'd had to dress them, change them, bathe them, and feed them-- the whole thing had been a nightmare. Even _Kiibo_ made upset roomba noises when he needed maintenance.

By now, Saihara already had bags under his eyes. His sanity was slipping with every babble he had to hear.

But at the same time, he had to be responsible. These were his friends, and he couldn't just be negligent and let them get hurt.

Saihara looked around, making a head count of everyone. _Let’s see…_

Saihara had Ouma in his arms. He cried whenever Saihara wasn’t paying attention to him, then immediately turned the waterworks off and cooed at Saihara, trying to grab his hair-- a cycle that hadn't stopped in a while now. _A liar even as a baby, huh…_

Iruma and Kiibo were playing with toy wrenches and squeaky hammers. He'd made sure that all the real ones had been locked.

Kaede was banging her small, chubby hands on a toy piano and squealing in delight. Maki quietly watched her, sucking on her thumb.

Shinguji and Tsumugi were playing dress up with lipstick (Which was actually just a crayon-- Saihara didn't know where any of the actual makeup was).

Angie, Himiko, and Tenko were running around-- or more like stumbling around, since they could hardly walk-- and screeching about Atua knows what.

Hoshi was rolling a ball around with Gonta. Luckily the academy didn't have bugs in it, or else he'd have to watch Gonta like a hawk to make sure he didn't eat any of them...

Amami and Kirumi were asleep.

And Kaito was about to jump off a-- _Shit._

Saihara ran towards the table where Kaito was about to jump off (presumably like an astronaut) and scooped him into his arms, gently setting him down and then consoling Ouma, who’d begun to cry as soon as Saihara had diverted his attention.

“Nonononono, shhh, Ouma-kun...” Saihara awkwardly patted Ouma on the back, desperate to stop the tears.

 _I never want to be a father,_ Saihara thought dizzily. _EVER. Holy crap._

Eventually, Ouma stopped crying, having genuinely fallen asleep. It was adorable, sure, but damn did his crying get on Saihara's nerves after a while. Saihara gently put him down in the makeshift bed, covering him up with blankets. Phew.

...Now to do the same with all the others who were still awake.

 _Think, Shuichi, think,_ Saihara wracked his brains. _Amami, Toujo, and Ouma are already asleep. Think strategically. How should you go about doing the rest?_

First, he put Kiibo on sleep mode and carried him to his bed-- the easiest thing to do. Iruma threw the biggest tantrum Saihara had ever heard, crying up a storm afterwards, but a single shiny gear-themed mobile was enough to keep her satiated as Saihara lulled her to sleep next.

Himiko had also fallen asleep; Angie yawned as she poked Himiko, drowsy herself. Saihara took them both and set them to sleep.

Hoshi, Gonta, and Maki were obedient babies-- quieter than the others. They went to sleep even more quickly. Kaede followed them; she'd tired of her clanging abuse of the piano. 

Shinguji and Tsumugi whined a bit as Saihara wiped off the waxy remnants of crayon off their faces, but were otherwise content with falling asleep.

That left two troublesome loudmouths.

Every time Saihara reached to touch Tenko, she smacked him, letting out a screech. If he dared to pick her up (which he had, several hours ago-- Not Fun at all), she'd scream like a banshee.

And Kaito-- he wasn't fussy, but he had too much energy. He wanted to keep playing and playing and playing and playing, it made Saihara's head spin. Luckily, though, he was seeming bored since almost everyone else had retired for naptime.

...Of the two evils, Kaito was lesser.

Saihara scooped up Kaito, making (embarrassing, stupid) airplane noises as he ran towards the bed, then set Kaito in it. Kaito giggled in glee, then hiccuped, eyes drifting closed.

Now all that remained was the final frontier: Chabashira Tenko.

Saihara looked at his opponent warily. She was strong. But he had a greater arsenal of strength-- at last, she could no longer easily backflip him and crack his spine. She was the weaker one here.

Slowly, Saihara moved, giving Tenko a pacifier. Tenko spat it out. He reached out towards Tenko; she slapped his hand again.

_This could get dangerous. I need to make sure that she doesn't make a loud noise and wake up the others..._

That gave Saihara an idea. He went to Kaede's lab and grabbed a CD and CD player, then brought it back. Tenko stared inquisitively at the new device, crawling towards it.

Saihara put the CD in and pressed play. Instantly, the soft melody of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star filled the room, and Tenko was lulled to sleep.

Success! He picked up Tenko and put her to sleep with all the others. They were all quiet and peaceful, finally.

 _Shit,_ he was exhausted. Saihara looked at the clock and let out a quiet groan. It'd been seven hours.

Exactly then, as if he had timed it, Monokuma appeared.

"Aww, the widdle babies are all asweep!" Monokuma cooed. Saihara glared at him. "Don't look at me like that," Monokuma chided. "I said I'd turn them back after several hours, and now I am, see! "

Saihara wasn't exactly sure _what_ Monokuma had done, but sure enough, the others were all waking up.

"Don't worry, they'll wake up in their normal clothes," the bear assured. "Can't break censorship laws with full underage nudity, after all!"

(If Saihara were a less nice person, he'd want to kill this bear.)

"What the fuck happened," Iruma slurred groggily.

"Mmh... Why am I in a crib...?" Kaede groaned.

Kaito let out a beastly yawn, stretching. Ouma grimaced, clutching his head. "Wh... huh...?"

The others all woke up in various states of comprehension, then became wide awake, blanching at Monokuma's presence. 

"See?" Monokuma said. "All back to normal."

"Was this a punishment or something?" Saihara asked, tired out of his mind. "Or a motive?"

"Neither!" Monokuma grinned. "Just entertainment for the readers. An intermission between canon events, if you will."

 _I don't know what the hell that means, but whatever,_ Saihara thought. He closed his eyes and crashed to the ground, peacefully asleep while the others frantically ran over to him, angrily yelling at Monokuma and demanding to know what was going on.

"I don' wanna have kids..." Saihara mumbled in his sleep. The others clamored in horror.

"What did you _do_ to him?" Kaito asked angrily. "What did you make him do?"

"Why not ask him when he finally wakes up?" Monokuma snickered. "I'm sure he'll tell you it was child's play."

**Author's Note:**

> idk how babies work or how to properly end fics lmao
> 
> come yell at me about danganronpa on [my tumblr](http://khattikeri.tumblr.com/)


End file.
